Quote of the Week

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
Charles Kuralt
She looked like someone had poured her into that dress and she'd forgot to say 'when'.
Garrison Keillor
The problem of distinguishing prime numbers from composite numbers and of resolving the latter into their prime factors is known to be one of the most important and useful in arithmetic.
Carl Friedrich Gauss
Young people anymore they seem to have a hard time growin up. I dont know why. Maybe it's just that you dont grow up any faster than what you have to. I had a cousin was a deputized peace officer when he was eighteen. He was married and had a kid at the time. I had a friend that I grew up with was a ordained Baptist preacher at the same age. ...I was twenty-one when I went in the army and I was one of the oldest in our class at boot camp. Six months later I was in France shootin people with a rifle. I didnt even think it was all that peculiar at the time. Four years later I was sheriff of this county.
Sheriff Bell in the book No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy
If you cannot measure it, you cannot improve it.
Lord Kelvin
We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.
Maurice Maeterlinck
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
I do not know what I appear to the world; but to myself I seem to have been only like a boy playing on a seashore, and diverting myself in now and then finding a smoother pebble or a prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great ocean of truth lay undisovered before me.
Sir Isaac Newton
[Intelligent Design] is a possibility and an intriguing possibility, and I suppose it's possible that you might find evidence for that if you look at the details of biochemistry, molecular biology; you might find a signature of some sort of designer.
Richard Dawkins
Edith: What about my dreams?
Dewey: Edith, I told you I can't build you a candy house! It'll fall down. The sun will melt the candy. It won't work!
Edith: It will if it never rains!
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
When we refer to the laws of nature, what we are really talking about is a particular set of ideas that are striking in their simplicity, that appear to be universal and have been verified by experiment. It is thus human beings who declare that a scientific theory is a law of nature and human beings are quite often wrong.
John Webb
If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
Douglas Adams
You could become smarter being popular than you could being the class intellectual, if you know what I mean. They worry about the quiet boy. The [boy] who gets into trouble, that's not a problem. Mischief is not a problem - you can always deal with mischief. You learn things by going out and making mistakes and speaking your mind and being put down by people who know more than you do, but even though they put you down and you know it, nonetheless you hold on to what you believe in and you persevere... Your job is the same as anybody else's job. It's to believe in what you believe, and be good to people who don't believe as you do.
Garrison Keillor
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde
He inched his way up the corridor as if he would rather be yarding his way down it...
Douglas Adams
Perchik: Money is the world's curse.
Tevye: May the Lord smite me with it...and may I never recover!
Fiddler on the Roof
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
President Merkin Muffley in the movie Dr. Strangelove
As Falls Wichita,
So Falls Wichita Falls
Pat Metheny & Lyle Mays
I don't think I shall live to see the end of this war. Sounds silly...but this war has killed so many people already, I'm just going to be another one. Of that I'm sure. I can feel it...the way you feel it when you're going to get a cold. I didn't know whether to tell you. I thought you shouldn't get one of those official letters without knowing what was inside. Please be brave. I shall be alright. I'm not frightened.
Tom Beddoes in the movie Overlord
I spent a lot of my money on booze, birds, and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
George Best
It had taken Enron 16 years to go from about $10 billion of assets to $65 billion of assets. It took them 24 days to go bankrupt.
John Olson
Tom: From 1931 until 1959, doughiness was a symbol of success - proof positive that a man could order 16-ounce porterhouse steaks for lunch and three martinis. Tipsy and pink, doughy guys roamed the land freely.
Crow: The major politicians of that era were all doughy guys. Their weight and moistness were felt everywhere they went. The most powerful man of that era was the ultimate doughy guy: J. Edgar Hoover...who was not afraid to be a doughy gal.
Mike: During that era, doughy men covered the continents. Statistics prove there was more humidity at the time. Thousand Island dressing was sold by the barrel full, pork sausage by the metric ton! We owe our very existence to the fact that our mothers were actually willing to make love to doughy guys.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Most people get interested in stocks when everyone else is. The time to get interested is when no one else is. You can’t buy what is popular and do well.
Warren Buffett
I'm going out. If I don't come back, avenge my death.
Homer Simpson
Anyways, the Russians, no longer Red, are in the red - which, after throwing off the shackles of communism, is like having an irony curtain descend on them.
Steve Mirsky
Well this place is old
It feels just like a beat up truck
I turn the engine, but the engine doesn't turn
Well it smells of cheap wine & cigarettes
This place is always such a mess
Sometimes I think I'd like to watch it burn
I'm so alone, and I feel just like somebody else
Man, I ain't changed, but I know I ain't the same
But somewhere here in between the city walls of dyin' dreams
I think her death it must be killin' me
Hey, come on try a little
Nothing is forever
There's got to be something better than
In the middle
But me & Cinderella
We put it all together
We can drive it home
With one headlight
Jakob Dylan
John: My God, if I went up in flames there's not a living soul who'd pee on me to put the fire out.
Richard: Let's strike a flint and see.
The Lion in Winter
'All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a Thousand Enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.' And El-ahrairah knew then that although he would not be mocked, yet Frith was his friend. And every evening, when Frith has done his day's work and lies calm and easy in the red sky, Elahrairah and his children and his children's children come out of their holes and feed and play in his sight, for they are his friends and he has promised them that they can never be destroyed.
Watership Down
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.
Steve Allen
I am become death, the destroyer of worlds.
Robert Oppenheimer
Movie Dialog: No one who's ever been there remembers it. Really! Everyone who goes there doesn't talk.
Crow: So no one who doesn't go there doesn't not talk?
Mystery Science Theater 3000
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster.
Friedrich Nietzsche
There is nothing like writing to force you to think and get your thoughts straight.
Warren Buffett
Yesterday marked the birthday of a close personal friend of mine, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Jean-Claude and I have never met, but I know him better than I know my own wife. Occasionally, my wife will do something that surprises me. Over the course of 33 movies, Jean-Claude Van Damme has never surprised me. Apart from some random drunk disco dancing in Kickboxer, our relationship has been entirely predictable.
Grady Hendrix
Louis Pastueur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
Pierre Pachet
Question: The much-anticipated second installment of the Lord of the Rings series opens Wednesday. Why is there so much excitement?

Answer: Much like hero Frodo Baggins, many married viewers would like to cast their burdensome rings back into the fiery chasm from whence they came.
The Onion Online Magazine
Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother willing to let him have one.
Robert Benchley
Management is about human beings. Its task is to make people capable of joint performance, to make their strengths effective and their weaknesses irrelevant.
Peter Drucker
In order to consider in the most general way the principle of the production of motion by heat, it must be considered independently of any mechanism or any particular agent. It is necessary to establish principles applicable not only to steam engines but to all imaginable heat-engines, whatever the working substance and whatever the method by which it is operated.
Sadi Carnot
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
This is not all permanent, you know? This condition that we find ourselves in. Things can be changed - people are unhappy about things in their lives, a lot of things can be changed. Really, they really can. There's a new life waiting for us, which we'll find when we want it badly enough to feel a little guilt and a little pain, to get us moving in that direction.
Garrison Keillor
An undersized, lazy, bowlegged horse owned by a man with a history of failed business ventures, trained by a reclusive near mute, and ridden by an overweight, gimpy, half-blind jockey, Seabiscuit's story was one many Americans could identify with in the late 1930s...making one wonder what kind of pathetic, self-hating losers the country was full of back then.
DJ Gallo
Hawkins: I've got it! I've got it! The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle; the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true! Right?
Griselda: Right. But there's been a change: they broke the chalice from the palace!
Hawkins: They *broke* the chalice from the palace?
Griselda: And replaced it with a flagon.
Hawkins: A flagon...?
Griselda: With the figure of a dragon.
Hawkins: Flagon with a dragon.
Griselda: Right.
Hawkins: But did you put the pellet with the poison in the vessel with the pestle?
Griselda: No! The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon! The vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true!
Hawkins: The pellet with the poison's in the flagon with the dragon; the vessel with the pestle has the brew that is true.
Griselda: Just remember that.
The Court Jester
Moreover, as your company grows, you have to recruit talented people to come work for you, and those people will come only if they're offered the opportunity to work in their field of specialization. Organizing by function abets your efforts to recruit and retain good people. It just makes sense. It's the correct model.
Jagdish N. Sheth
All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.
George Orwell
It's only when the tide goes out that you learn who's been swimming naked.
Warren Buffett
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
T.S. Eliot
I tell you, with complex numbers you can do anything.
John Derbyshire
A true superstar, [Shaquille] O'Neal is one of the most widely recognized athletes in the world, especially at waffle houses and all-you-can-eat buffets. Despite being born without the kind of body that would lend itself to being a dominant NBA center, Shaq's tireless work ethic has enabled him to become one of the game's all-time greats at the position. In his nearly fifteen years in the league he has almost managed to develop low post moves beyond backing over people, and he vows to one day make more than half of his free throws.
DJ Gallo
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.
Ferdinand Foch
So I reflected on all this and concluded that the righteous and the wise and what they do are in God's hands, but no man knows whether love or hate awaits him. All share a common destiny—the righteous and the wicked, the good and the bad, the clean and the unclean, those who offer sacrifices and those who do not.
     As it is with the good man,
     so with the sinner;
     as it is with those who take oaths,
     so with those who are afraid to take them.
This is the evil in everything that happens under the sun: The same destiny overtakes all.
Ecclesiastes 9:1-3
Markets can remain irrational longer than you can remain solvent.
John Maynard Keynes
[A]ll knowledge is one. When a light brightens and illuminates a corner of a room, it adds to the general illumination of the entire room. Over and over again, scientific discoveries have provided answers to problems that had no apparent connection with the phenomena that gave rise to the discovery.
Isaac Asimov
The nuclear weapons on board just one of our Trident submarines contain eight times the firepower expended in all of World War II.
John Allen Paulos
Plurality is not to be assumed without necessity.
William of Ockham
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Homer Simpson
A year earlier, no company had been accorded more faith than Enron; by late November, none was trusted less. And so, a gasping gurgle, a desperate SOS: Enron, the emblem of free markets, the champion of deregulation, reached into its depleted treasury and forked over $100,000 to each of the major political parties' campaign war chests. Then, it shuttered its online trading unit - its erstwhile gem. On November 28, Standard & Poor's downgraded Enron to junk-bond level - which triggered provisions in Enron's debt requiring it to immediately repay billions of its obligations. This it could not do. Its stock was seventy cents and falling, and, now, no gatekeepers and no credit remained. Accordingly, in the first week of December, Enron, the archetype of shareholder value, availed itself of the time-honored protection for those who have lost their credit: bankruptcy.
Roger Lowenstein
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
If I were to awaken after having slept for a thousand years, my first question would be: Has the Riemann hypothesis been proven?
David Hilbert
Now for the happy peaceful time between the telling of the lie and the time it's found out.
Homer Simpson
A friend of mine spent twenty years looking for the perfect woman; unfortunately, when he found her, he discovered that she was looking for the perfect man.
Warren Buffett
Film-making is not about the tiny details, it's about the big picture!
Edward D. Wood Jr. in the movie Ed Wood
An investment operation is one which, upon thorough analysis, promises safety of principal and an adequate return.
Benjamin Graham
Don't gamble. Take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Will Rogers
The most dangerous untruths are truths slightly distorted.
G. C. Lichtenberg
No, I won't condemn anyone for putting ketchup on a hot dog. This is the land of the free. And if someone wants to put ketchup on a hot dog and actually eat the awful thing, that is their right. It is also their right to put mayo or chocolate syrup or toenail clippings or cat hair on a hot dog.
Mike Royko
Keep your mind open, but not so open that your brains fall out.
Ian Stewart
The Democrats and Republicans have been debating what to do about Social Security for years now without producing anything other than accusations that their opponents are lying vermin scum. This is true as far as it goes, but it doesn't address the underlying problem.
Dave Barry
The annexation of Louisiana was an event so portentous as to defy measurement; it gave a new face to politics, and ranked in historical importance next to the Declaration of Independence and the adoption of the Constitution - events of which it was the logical outcome; but as a matter of diplomacy it was unparalleled, because it cost almost nothing.
Henry Adams
To be an engineer, and build a marvelous machine, and to see the beauty of its operation is as valid an experience of beauty as a mathematician's absorption in a wondrous theorem. One is not "more" beautiful than the other. To see a space shuttle standing on the launch pad, the vented gases escaping, and witness the thunderous blast-off as it climbs heavenward on a pillar of flame - this is beauty. Yet it is a prime example of applied mathematics.
Calvin C. Clawson
Question: I recently celebrated my thirtieth birthday and am in the initial stages of what I hope will be a serious and long-lasting relationship. My dilemma is this: I've never been told the story of "the birds and the bees."

Cecil Answers: Don't feel bad. Nobody explained it to me, either, and I must say I made quite an impression that first night with the honey and feathers.
The Straight Dope Answer Column
I ask for so little... And boy do I get it.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Henny Youngman
And what if we picked the wrong religion? Every week, we're just making God madder and madder!
Homer Simpson
Just because there are things I don't remember, doesn't make my actions meaningless. The world doesn't just disappear when you close your eyes...does it?
Leonard Shelby in the movie Memento
Wealth is the fundamental thing. Wealth is stuff we want: food, clothes, houses, cars, gadgets, travel to interesting places, and so on. You can have wealth without having money. If you had a magic machine that could on command make you a car or cook you dinner or do your laundry, or do anything else you wanted, you wouldn't need money. Whereas if you were in the middle of Antarctica, where there is nothing to buy, it wouldn't matter how much money you had.
Paul Graham
The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.
Sir Winston Churchill
Greetings, my friend. We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.
Criswell in the movie Plan 9 from Outer Space
If you want to make money at some point, remember this, because this is one of the reasons startups win. Big companies want to decrease the standard deviation of design outcomes because they want to avoid disasters. But when you damp oscillations, you lose the high points as well as the low. This is not a problem for big companies, because they don't win by making great products. Big companies win by sucking less than other big companies.
Paul Graham
In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
Rodney Dangerfield
I cannot accept any concept of God based on the fear of life or the fear of death or blind faith. I cannot prove to you that there is no personal God, but if I were to speak of him I would be a liar.
Albert Einstein
When I close my eyes and retreat into my inner mind, I feel myself enduring, I do not feel myself extensive. It is this feeling of time as affecting ourselves and not merely as existing in the relations of external events which is so peculiarly characteristic of it; space on the other hand is always appreciated as something external.
A.S. Edington
For philosophers nothing is better than some obscure but mysterious idea that nobody really cares about and certainly can't test, because then you have plenty of room for clever arguments. Angels on the head of a pin, and so forth. But when something actually becomes useful, most people stop arguing about the philosophy and get on with the job instead. ...If you can actually see the angels dancing on the head of the pin you stop trying to count them in favour of persuading them to dance on a microchip instead.
Ian Stewart
Time is the mediator between the possible and the actual.
G. J. Whitrow
If a guy's wife secretly throws a veteran pair of his underwear away, the guy will sense that something is wrong, and he'll whistle in a distinctive manner, and his underwear will leap out of the garbage and bound toward him like a loyal retriever. That's how close the guy-underwear bond is.
Dave Barry
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at an early age.
Groucho Marx
When I was a child, I often used to lie awake at night, in fearful anticipation of some unpleasant event the following day, such as a visit to the dentist, and wish I could press some sort of button that would have the effect of instantly transporting me twenty-four hours into the future. The following night, I would wonder whether that magic button was in fact real, and that the trick had indeed worked. After all, it was twenty-four hours later, and though I could remember the visit to the dentist, it was, at that time, only a memory of an experience, not an experience.
Paul Davies
Mike: We mustn't hate... mustn't hate.
Crow: At least so overtly.
Mike: Right - must disguise our hate just a little.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
When we don't get what we deserve
that's a real good thing...a real good thing.
When we get what we don't deserve
that's a real good thing...a real good thing.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Jack Handy
I want to pause here and talk about this notion of consensus, and the rise of what has been called consensus science. I regard consensus science as an extremely pernicious development that ought to be stopped cold in its tracks. Historically, the claim of consensus has been the first refuge of scoundrels; it is a way to avoid debate by claiming that the matter is already settled. Whenever you hear the consensus of scientists agrees on something or other, reach for your wallet, because you're being had. ...Consensus is invoked only in situations where the science is not solid enough. Nobody says the consensus of scientists agrees that E=mc². Nobody says the consensus is that the sun is 93 million miles away. It would never occur to anyone to speak that way.
Michael Crichton
I'm sorry, Gromit. I know you're doing this for my own good, but the fact is I'm just crackers about cheese.
[W]oman serves the man's need to be needed. If no one needs you, what good are you, and what are you here for? Other people—employers, students, readers—may say that they need you. But it isn't true. In all such relationships you are replaceable at some price. But to this woman you are not replaceable at any price. And that gives you the self-esteem to go out and meet the world every day.
Herbert Stein
Facts, at any rate, could not be kept hidden. They could be tracked down by inquiry, they could be squeezed out of you by torture. But if the object was not to stay alive but to stay human, what difference did it ultimately make? They could not alter your feelings, for that matter you could not alter them yourself, even if you wanted to. They could lay bare in the utmost detail everything that you had done or said or thought; but the inner heart, whose workings were mysterious even to yourself, remained impregnable.
George Orwell
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
Sir Winston Churchill
The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into a war, especially since it was almost 1812.
Dave Barry
Achilles: Hmm...There's something just a little peculiar here. Oh, I see what it is! The sentence is talking about itself! Do you see that?
Tortoise: What do you mean? Sentences can't talk.
Achilles: No, but they REFER to things - and this one refers directly - unambiguously - unmistakably - to the very sentence which it is!
Douglas R. Hofstadter
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
Groucho Marx
This is the gift of your species and this is the danger, because you do not choose to control your imaginings. You imagine wonderful things and you imagine terrible things, and you take no responsibility for the choice. You say you have inside you both the power of good and the power of evil, the angel and the devil, but in truth you have just one thing inside you - the ability to imagine.
Michael Crichton
[T]he male brain is a delicate object, inherently prone to extremes, both of incompetence and of genius.
Natalie Angier & Kenneth Chang
The stock market of the 1920s was very different from the stock market of today. Back then, the market was infested by greed-crazed slimeballs, get-rich-quick speculators with the ethical standards of tapeworms, who shrieked "buy" and "sell" orders into the telephone with no concern whatsoever for the nation's long-term financial well-being. Whereas today they use computers.
Dave Barry
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Jack Handy
The law of conservation of energy, reborn as the law of conservation of mass/energy, has established itself as one of the few unshakable theoretical guideposts in the wilderness of the world of our sense experiences. In scope and generality it surpasses Newton's laws of motion, Maxwell's equations for electricity and magnetism, and even Einstein's potent little E=mc². It comes as close to an absolute truth as our uncertain age will permit.
Hans Christian von Baeyer
Professor Farnsworth: Being Captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is perfect for the job.
Bender: Well... I do think of human life as expendable.
If all the prices in the nation go down at once, that is called deflation, and the way to correct it is to wake up from the dream you are having, because this never happens in real life. In real life, all the prices always go up, a condition that economists call inflation, or, for short, normal.
Dave Barry
His creative mind proceeded from chaos to form, towards a conscious simplification, and not, like those of the moderns, into deliberate complexities. It is this characteristic above all that distinguishes Beethoven so clearly from all the others.
Wilhelm Furtwängler
Movie Dialog: Place your hands above the rods - they're magnetized.
Mike: And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Some people out there givin rap a bad name!
Well I'm here to let you know...WE AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT!!!
DC Talk
qi·vi·ut (kē´vē-ət, -ūt´) n The soft wool lying beneath the long coat of the muskox, valued for its use as a fiber. [Inuit, pl. of qiviuq, down, underhair.]
The American Heritage College Dictionary
At the 150-minute point of sitting in a standard theater chair, the human buttocks die; once dead, they cannot be revived. They cease to function, whatever that function may have been, and must be carried around like a sack, or two, of flour.
Michael J. Nelson
The gift which I am sending you is called a dog, and is in fact the most precious and valuable possession of mankind.
Theodorus Gaza
I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning. Even if I can't remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world's still here. Do I believe the world's still here? Is it still out there?... Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I'm no different... Now...where was I?
Leonard Shelby in the movie Memento
There was a discordant hum of human voices! There was a loud blast as of many trumpets! There was a harsh grating as of a thousand thunders! The fiery walls rushed back! An outstretched arm caught my own as I fell, fainting, into the abyss. It was that of General Lasalle. The French army had entered Toledo. The Inquisition was in the hands of its enemies.
Edgar Allan Poe
[Yuri] Gagarin was carried once about Earth and was successfully retrieved. It marked a formidable milestone indeed. The first circumnavigators of Earth had been the eighteen men of Magellan's crew who survived to complete the journey in 1522, 1,084 days after they had first put to sea. Now, four and a third centuries later, a human being completed the circumnavigation of Earth in 108 minutes.
Isaac Asimov
I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. Infact, we've made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.
Angus Young
When you come back again
would you bring me something from the fridge?
Heard a rumor that the end is near
but I just got comfortable here.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
Jack Handy
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a man and a dog.
Mark Twain
No matter what happens tomorrow or the rest of my life, I'm happy now because I love you.
Phil Connors in the movie Groundhog Day
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
Neckties and cuffs exist for me only as remote memories.
Albert Einstein
There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the result be twins.
Chinese Proverb
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho Marx
Oh dear Lord, three things I pray:
To see Thee more clearly
To love Thee more dearly
To follow Thee more nearly
...Day by Day
DC Talk
The most important thing we've learned,
So far as children are concerned,
Is never, NEVER, NEVER let
Them near your television set --
Or better still, just don't install
The idiotic thing at all.
In almost every house we've been,
We've watched them gaping at the screen.
They loll and slop and lounge about,
And stare until their eyes pop out.
(Last week in someone's place we saw
A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)
They sit and stare and stare and sit
Until they're hypnotised by it,
Until they're absolutely drunk
With all that shocking ghastly junk.
Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,
They don't climb out the window sill,
They never fight or kick or punch,
They leave you free to cook the lunch
And wash the dishes in the sink --
But did you ever stop to think,
To wonder just exactly what
This does to your beloved tot?
Roald Dahl
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Hector Louis Berlioz
Bender: My Fembot may be in love with another Manbot.
Leela: Well talk to her. Tell her about your feelings in an open and honest way.
Fry: Yeah. Either that or be a man.
People almost invariably arrive at their beliefs not on the basis of proof but on the basis of what they find attractive.
Blaise Pascal
Life is like a sofa - change comes from within.
The more you know who you are - and what you want - the less you'll let things upset you.
Bob Harris in the movie Lost in Translation
It is truth very certain that, when it is not in our power to determine what is true, we ought to follow what is most probable.
René Descartes
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here.
Groucho Marx
The law that entropy always increases - the second law of thermodynamics - holds, I think, the supreme position among the laws of Nature.
Sir Arthur Eddington
Me fail English? That's unpossible!
Ralph Wiggum
Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby
Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
The Principal in the movie Billy Madison
Pretend you are the Cosmos - strange, alone, knowing nothing except that you are self aware. Pretend you find yourself going mad with anguish because there is no other. Pretend that in desperation you try dividing your awareness into smaller awarenesses, but since they know they are you, they dreamily and without curiosity move ever steadily back into you. Pretend that these creations do not solve your problem: there is still only you and no other. Pretend you try an alternate plan, dividing your awareness again but this time into parts unaware that they are you. With memories erased, their veiled awareness still reflects your anguish in myriad permutations of your aloneness.
Martin Olson
This is a man's world
But it would be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl.
James Brown
No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it.
Charles M. Schulz
I have carried out researches which will halt many savants in theirs.
Èvariste Galois
The God of the Old Testament is a God of power, the God of the New Testament is a God of love; but the God of the theologians, from Aristotle to Calvin, is one whose appeal is intellectual: His existence solves certain puzzles which otherwise would create argumentative difficulties in the understanding of the universe.
Bertrand Russell
Bart: Is there a doggie hell?
Homer: Well... Of course, there couldn't be a doggie heaven if there wasn't a doggie hell.
Bart: Who's in doggie hell?
Homer: Oh, uh, let's see... Hitler's dog, he's in there... and that dog Nixon had, what's his name, um, Chester...
Lisa: [annoyed] Checkers!
Homer: Whatever... One of the Lassies is in there, too. The evil one... The one that mauled Timmy...
The Simpsons
There's more to life than a little money, you know. Don't you know that? And here you are. And it's a beautiful day. Well...I just don't understand it.
Marge Gunderson in the movie Fargo
God created the natural numbers; everything else is man's handiwork.
Leopold Kronecker
Dave, stop. Stop, will you? Stop, Dave. Will you stop, Dave? Stop, Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a...fraid.
HAL 9000
Man is troubled by what might be called the dog wish, a strange and involved compulsion to be as happy and carefree as a dog.
James Thurber
We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.
Marge Simpson
But where, say some, is the king of America? I'll tell you, friend, he reigns above, and doth not make havoc of mankind like the Royal Brute of Great Britain. Yet that we may appear to be defective even in earthly honors, let a day be solemnly set apart for proclaiming the charter; let it be brought forth placed on the divine law, the Word of God; let a crown be placed thereon, by which the world may know, that so far as we approve of monarchy, that in America THE LAW IS KING. For as in absolute governments the king is law, so in free countries the law ought to BE king, and there ought to be no other. But lest any ill use should afterwards arise, let the crown at the conclusion of the ceremony be demolished, and scattered among the people whose right it is.
Thomas Paine
Morality is of the highest importance - but for us, not for God.
Albert Einstein
My work is a game, a very serious game.
M.C. Escher
Movie Dialogue: He dropped something. See what it is.
Crow: It's a plot device. It's very flimsy, so be careful.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
With patience and saliva the ant swallows the elephant.
Colombian Proverb
When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Groucho Marx
Near this spot are deposited the remains of one who possessed Beauty without Vanity, Strength without Insolence, Courage without Ferocity, and all the Virtues of Man without his Vices. This praise, which would be unmeaning Flattery, if inscribed over human ashes, is but a just Tribute to the Memory of BOATSWAIN, a Dog.
John Cam Gobhouse
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
Sam Levenson
Last week, my fan club broke up - the guy died.
Rodney Dangerfield
How gullible are you? Is your gullibility located in some "gullibility center" in your brain? Could a neurosurgeon reach in and perform some delicate operation to lower your gullibility, otherwise leaving you alone? If you believe this, you are pretty gullible, and should perhaps consider such an operation.
Douglas R. Hofstadter
If you wish to know what a man is, place him in authority.
Yugoslav Proverb
Luposlipophobia: The fear of being pursued by timber wolves around the kitchen table while wearing socks on a newly waxed floor.
Gary Larson
If you want to learn how to build a house, build a house. Don't ask anybody, just build a house.
Christopher Walken
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
Blaise Pascal
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
Groucho Marx
I came here with a simple dream. A dream of killing all humans. And this is how it must end? Who's the real seven billion-ton robot monster here? Not I...not I.
Bender the Robot's last words
Worry is like interest paid in advance on a debt that never comes due.
David Mamet
For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?
Jesus the Christ
Then assuredly the world was made, not in time, but simultaneous with time. For that which is made in time is made both after and before some time - after that which is past, before that which is future. But none could then be past, for there was no creature by whose movements its duration could be measured. But simultaneously with time the world was made.
St. Augustine
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
Inscribed on the One Ring
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversations as a dog does.
Christopher Morley
I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out.
Rodney Dangerfield
Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
Mark Twain
Tom: So, would you like to have coke?
Crow: Sure. I'll have a root-beer.
Tom: I said "coke".
Crow: I know. I'll have a root-beer.
Tom: All I have is coke.
Crow: Then forget it; I'll just use the bubbler. By the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie.
Tom: We are.
Crow: And a show?
Tom: No!
Crow: Then why did you say we were going to a show?
Tom: Because we are!
Crow: What show?
Tom: Awakening
Crow: That's a movie.
Tom: I know! Are you gonna come with?
Crow: Come with what?
Tom: Me, Crow! - Me! Are you gonna come with ME!?
Crow: Yea, but I'm a little low. Could you borrow me some money?
Mike: Okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism, and just plain stupidity.
Crow: But Mike, irregardless of that fact...
Mystery Science Theater 3000
Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
This movie is really drawing me in...to a deep well of dispair.
Crow T. Robot
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Sir Winston Churchill
Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.
Carl Sagan
In those days there was no king in Israel; everyone did what was right in his own eyes.
Last verse in Judges
There's a whole warehouse full of stuff I don't understand, and in it they serve non-alcoholic beer.
Tom Griswold
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Erma Bombeck
Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.
Roger Caras
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it - Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
Homer Simpson
In times like these, it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey
I lay it down as a fact that if all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.
Blaise Pascal
Nodding the head does not row the boat.
Irish Proverb
We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell them stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which was what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry costs a nickel. And in those days nickels had pictures of Bumble Bees on them. `Gimme five bees for a quarter' you'd say. Now where were we....oh yeah, the important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time....they didn't have white onions, because of the war, the only thing you could get was the big yellow ones.
Grampa Simpson
Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he doesn't possess.
Samuel Johnson
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown aside with great force.
Dorothy Rothschild Parker
Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.
Jimmy Durante
Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.
Gerald Barzan
No amount of experimentation can ever prove me right; a single experiment can prove me wrong.
Albert Einstein
I would rather see the portrait of a dog that I know, than all the allegorical paintings they can show me in the world.
Samuel Johnson
A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams
May your every wish be granted.
Ancient Chinese Curse
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
Philip Dick
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan
Modern architecture; efficient and beauty free.
Tom Servo
All change is not growth, as all movement is not forward.
Ellen Glasgow
The less people know about how sausages and laws are made, the better they'll sleep at night.
Otto von Bismarck
Professor Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being a scientist is all about.
Cubert: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.
Our favourite holding period is forever.
Warren Buffett
What the crowd requires is mediocrity of the highest order.
Auguste Preault
Family, religion, friendship ... these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Mr. Burns
A great many open minds should be closed for repairs.
Toledo Blade
In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
Sir Winston Churchill
The best books... are those that tell you what you know already.
George Orwell
It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.
Harry S. Truman
He enjoys true leisure who has time to improve his soul's estate.
Henry David Thoreau
I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K. Jerome
Movie Dialogue: The good die first.
Tom Servo: But most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns.
Mystery Science Theater 3000
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.
John the Apostle
If you would be a real seeker after truth, it is necessary that at least once in your life you doubt, as far as possible, all things.
René Descartes
I hear, and I forget.
I see, and I remember.
I do, and I understand.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Mark Twain
If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.
Sir Isaac Newton
There's a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
Charles M. Schulz
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
Harry S. Truman
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
Albert Einstein
Only the dead have seen the end of war.
You are neither right nor wrong because the crowd disagrees with you. You are right because your data and reasoning are right.
Warren Buffett
Marilyn vos Savant has the highest recorded IQ of any human. She once solved a Rubik's Cube just by scaring it into alignment.
Scott Adams
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.
Oscar Wilde
The scientific method, as far as it is a method, is nothing more than doing one's damnedest with one's mind, no holds barred.
Percy Bridgman
If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack.
Sir Winston Churchill
She's like a Milk Dud, Lisa. Sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.
Bart Simpson
There was that law of life, so cruel and so just, that one must grow or else pay more for remaining the same.
Norman Mailer
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Arthur C. Clarke
Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
Pondering death is a dirty biz,
Makes you wonder when your appointment is.
The rock band Guardian
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
Isaac Asimov
Virgo: Certain shortcomings in your education and upbringing cause you to read meaning into the relationships among various celestial bodies.
The Onion horoscope column
Go on till you come to the end; then stop.
Lewis Carroll
I think, therefore I am.
René Descartes
Who cares about half a second after the Big Bang; what about the half a second before?
Fay Weldon
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
Napoleon Bonaparte
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Albert Einstein
No position is so absurd that a philosopher cannot be found to argue for it.
Michael Lockwood
Hello? Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer Simpson
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Douglas R. Hofstadter
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.
Jesus the Christ
Time is nature's way to keep everything from happening at once.
John Wheeler
If you are a Christian you do not have to believe that all the other religions are simply wrong all through. If you are an atheist you do have to believe that the main point in all the religions of the whole world is simply one huge mistake.
C. S. Lewis
Einstein said that if quantum mechanics is right, then the world is crazy. Well, Einstein was right. The world is crazy.
Daniel Greenberg
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
Albert Einstein